Joy for the Journey

All,

Well, i just failed my final bladder exam.  In the words of my doc, “We might want to view this (the catheter) thing as perminent.”  Did you notice that “we” word in there?  He made it sound like he had some vested discomfort in my cathing process!  While i am confident that he is a great doctor, who is committed to Christ and his patients, he isn’t in the men’s room with me.  Too much information.

The summary is that my bladder has been damaged and might not function properly…..ever.  Oh there is a chance that it will awaken some day and be as good as new.  It should be as good as new!  It has had a four month vacation without permission.  Until the great awakening; I cath.

Which reminds me:  Last week Denise and I made our annual pilgrimage to Jacksonville, Alabama.  Jacksonville is the home to my alma mater, JSU.  We did all the nostalgic things like visiting where we used to live.  One such place is out of town on the Alexandria highway.  For the academic year of 1980-81, I lived with two friends in a trailer owned and closely supervised by one Hazel Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson was a happy lady of 103 years, or so it seemed.  Each month she factored the math for our gas bill and dropped by to collect rent and give a glance into the trailer to make sure it was still rent worthy.  It was the year of the olympics and we won the gold in hockey.  I have no idea why that was important enough to type.  If ever our lawn was out of limits, she brought the mower and offered to demonstrate how to use it. 

When Denise and i drove around her home and back to the highway, we noticed a person on the front porch with white hair.  I turned the car around and headed right back.  It had to be her!  Sure enough, there was Mrs. Johnson, sitting on her front porch trimming flowers with sheers, had to be 120 by now.

We got out and introduced ourselves.  I told her that i was a former renter and we were fast friends.  She insisted that we come inside.  Her home was 100 years old when it was moved from downtown Jacksonville to the “new” location on the highway.  It was moved in 1950.  Merely yesterday in Mrs. Johnson years.

We had to sit and visit for a while.  She would have nothing less.  It was a delight.  We talked about all the things that make life worth living.  We talked about husbands (it seems that they wear out), children, parents, and……her church.  At her age, her church is still the center of her life.  Wow.  Time gives perspective on what is worth our time and sacrifice.  I won’t tell her age, but when her mother was 103 she brought her to First Baptist Church of Grant, Alabama where i was then serving.  That was in 1985.  I think her mother was mowing my old lawn while we visited.

So, i was blessed by stopping for the visit.  She was blessed by the visit.  And we were both encouraged in Christ.

When your days have been spent, your health is a memory, your future is short, your car has been taken, your dreams have been lived, what then will sustain you?  I hope i can sit with my bride and listen to the laughter in the walls.

Blessings,

pa the beggar

All,

A few weeks ago i met a young lady who was a student at Emory.  I asked here major.  She said, “Well, I was in pre-med, but changed to nursing, but now I am in dance.”  I guess sometimes we all need to take the path of least resistance.  If it is too hard, just lower your standards.

Life is a series of choices.  At the end of your life, you enjoy the sum of all your previous choices.  The choices you make today will be factored into the overall equation of life.  How are you doing on your future today?

When we were facing surgery and 23 days in the hospital, we chose to use most of my vacation just prior to surgery.  We traveled from Georgia to California and all point in between.  We drove for a single reason.  My hero lived in Wichita Falls, Texas.  By driving we got to visit friends in Louisiana, Dallas, and visit Dr. Leavell in Wichita Falls.

Dr. Leavell was the president of the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary for twenty years.  He was the president when I attended in the mid-80’s.  He was a man with a firm character and as sincere as any person I have ever known.  To his friends he was known simply as “Doc.” 

Over the years Doc and I have exchanged many phone calls and letters.  These past few years his pen has fallen victim to his age.  While his strength faded, his heart and passion never wained.  We shared church stories, encouragement, and he was my sounding board for all questions about pastoring.  I loved him.  I respected him. 

While were in Wichita Falls, we took Doc out to lunch and spent most of the day at his home and riding around “the Falls.”  We didn’t think to make a picture, because there would always be another opportunity.  We were wrong.  A few weeks ago Dr. Leavell left me.  I am a poorer man for his loss.  In these few weeks many days have come when i thought, “I need to call Doc and tell him…..”  I can’t tell you how i miss him.

The lesson he has left me is the lesson of finishing well.  Everyone can start something.  Few of them ever really finish.  It is easy to begin in pre-med.  It is something else to finish med school.  It is easy to make a Sunday morning committment of your life.  It is something else to finish well.  Doc finished well.

Let me encourage you to finish well.  We finish well when we make good choices day by day.  Today’s choices become the successes or failures of the future.  Join me on a pilgrimage to finish well.

Blessings,

pa the beggar 

I’m back.  Not that ever really went anywhere.  As my health has returned, so have my work and family responsibilities.  The frequent blog postings fell in priority.  Kinda like the DOW, the dollar, and gas prices.  The last time i posted we were all a little more optimistic as well as wealthy.

I must say that i am overwhelmed at the response to the blog.  Friends have phoned and written from all across the nation, wondering why i stopped the blog.  Please find it in your hearts to forgive me again and i will try to be more disciplined in the future.

As for an update; i am doing well, with the exception of the lazy bladder.  After almost fifteen weeks I still have to empty my bladder with the aid of a torture divice called a catheter.  The proceedure is not all that painful, it is just uncomfortable and down right unhandy!  This little tube makes a visit to a public restroom a regular Grizwald family adventure.  I would really like to paint a word picture here complete with tubes and true stories.  Since this a family blog, I will pass.  Just wait till that men’s retreat.

Thanks for all the prayers and contacts.  I will close for now and post again in a few minutes.

Blessings,

pa the beggar

All,

Last weekend we traveled back to St. Pete for a follow up visit with the surgeon and to participate in the annual Quality of Life meeting.  The Quality of Life Association is a network of people who have had the same surgery as I.  There were about 130 participants, half of whom had fallen victim to the BCIR (which being translated stands for Barnett Continent Inernal Resivoir) surgery.  I was expecting to experience a group of aged adults who needed a support group.  I fully expected to hear stories of how sick they were and how bad thier lives were. 

I was pleasantly surprised.  The group was happy to meet someone who was only nine weeks out of surgery who could make it back to St. Pete.  They all said I looked good.  None would write it down for me.  While i did hear stories of their surgeries and recovery, they were remarkably encouraging.  They gaved me advice and encouragement; both were gladly accepted.  All these people are leading remarkably full lives.  One rode his motorcycle from northern Ohio.  One couple came from Australia, another from Scottland, and another from England.  When only two surgeons in the world perform a surgery, they have a great following.

During this weekend meeting total strangers were melted into close friends.  We shared some kind of bond that allowed us easy access into each other’s lives.  How can a group of strangers meet for the first time and talk about the most intimate and personal things imaginable?  Only through a common bond of pain.

Last night i learned that a friend of mine took his own life.  I am still hurting.  My hurt can’t compare to that of his wife and children.  He was in church the day before he died.  His Sunday School teacher is broken, as is his entire church and community.  Everyone says the same thing, “We didn’t see it coming.”

I wonder how many people we meet each day who are “Living lives of quiet desperation.” (Thoreau)  You and I may be the last glimpse of hope for many people.    You and I have the power to bless lives.  Have you blessed someone today?  Your touch may be what it takes to change someone’s future.

Let me challenge you to touch someone today.  I mean, send a letter to someone who means so much to you.  Maybe send a note to an old high school teacher (they are all old now) and let him or her know how he or she touched you all those years ago.  How about a phone call to someone you have been thinking about.  You know, the Holy Spirit has the power to bring to mind someone that needs your touch. 

Come on; I dare you!  Share your faith!  Encourage a stranger!  Leave a larger than normal tip for a watress who never had a dream of growing up to wait tables!  I dare you to love more than you think is wise!  I dare you to go out of your way to make someone feel loved, welcomed, appreciated, whatever they may need.  Go ahead, I double dog dare you!

Blessings,

the beggar

All,

Well, i took the test on Monday.  The doctor said my bladder was healthy and seemed to funciton well.  So I told him that was exactly why I was there; it works perfectly.  Then he asked me to empty.  “Don’t you see?” I said, “That is why I am here, I can’t.”  He replied, “Oh, I see.”  Makes one feel down right thrilled to have a physician treating you who has no clue as to what he is treating.  In all fairness he was a radiologist.  They are just glorified photographers who lack a true sense of humor.

So, the question that remains to be answered is: Was I supposed to fail or pass the test to get to the cure?  I should find out on Tuesday.

Tomorrow Denise and I will head back to St. Pete.  Each year they host a “Quality of Life” conference.  From across the globe survivors will come with their scars, and advice for the rookies.  I am going for the advice.  Scars heal side to side, not end to end, so they are all about the same.  The surgeons will host open group discussions and try to answer questions.  I am in hopes of finding the key to unlock my bladder.  It will be good to hear how others have learned to cope with thier new systems.  Simple things, like public restrooms and boarding a plane, can pose some significant problems.  Those who have mastered the art will pass along tricks to those of us who have not.  I can use all the advice I can get.

While there I will visit the hospital again.  I am going to hug those who took such good care of me.  I plan to look up one errant Urologist.  Really, what can you expect from a Urologist named, Capattia?  (pronounced ka-potty-a)  Seriously, that is his name.

I am also going to visit room 257.  Right now someone is lying in my bed, suffering the same indignities that I did.  I just want to tell them they will make it.  I just want them to see someone who was there and now, well, I am back again.  Who knows, I might even find my AWOL bladder.

Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be?  Each of us walks a path in life.  We get some bumps, hard knocks, learn some lessons, and keep going.  I feel spiritually bound to share the way out with someone else who is lost.  I am spiritually bound to lead someone else down a path i have traveled.  i already know the detours, dry holes, and dead ends.  Someone might just live a more productive life with fewer scars by my intervention.  Sounds a lot like discipleship to me.

On a kinder and more pleasant note; i am sleeping all night these days.  That doesn’t sound like much, but small victories mean the world lately.  Since my first cancer surgery over five years ago, there have been precious few nights that I have been able to sleep all night.  Most nights i had to get up in the middle of the night.  Some nights i failed to get back to sleep.  Eight hours of rest feels better than I remembered.  Oh, what a Savior. 

I will report more when there is more to report.  I sure am anxious to just write theology and inspiration!

Love to all,

the beggar

All,

I think i really should be pretty bummed right now, but for some reason things are just too funny.

Here goes:  Today was the return visit to the Urologist.  So, at the appointed time I gathered with my octogenerian friends to await the roll call.  Seriously, any day now I expect to be present when someone in the room hears THE call before they hear their name called to come back for their torture appointment. 

Anyway, for the first time i actually walked in the back with a smile.  Why not?  They couldn’t hurt me this time.  Now days I beat them to it!  Every few hours I just pretent to be a Urologist and impail myself with a foreign object.  So just to annoy me they asked me to do it for them under the guise of needing a specimin.  I must admit, I am much better at it than any of them.

The young lady then told me she needed to do an ultrasound on me.  Go figure.  My bladder has been uncooperative for 9 weeks now and they think I am pregnant.  I checked to see if I was in the correct office suite.

After the ultrasound, which by the way I passed with flying colors, the doctor came in.  Congratulations, I am not going to have a baby.  He had a serious look on his face and that either means my condition is worse than I though or my insurance  benefits have been denied.  My insurance was just fine.  The former was the case.

In my own simple language he said; your situation should have resolved itself by now.  We need to look for other problems.  You may have a nerve problem with the region of your prostate and bladder.  I need a complete surgical report.  I also want to explore the possibility of an electro therapy.  We will need to schedule a test to see if you are a candidate for the electro stimulation proceedure.  We will schedule it.

In my own simple ears I heard: you are on your last nerve.  You have a problem that only more humiliaton and pain can solve.  The doctor in Florida mutilated you.  I want to use my new jumper cables on you.  You will have to be electrocuted with a 220 before we can determine if you can handle a 440.  If you pass the test to determine if you are a candidate, then we will schedule the actual proceedure that will be in an off peak hour of electricy use.

By this time visions of tiny lightening rods, and ole sparky the electric chair were firmly fixed in my mind.  I made two crude, but delightfully funny verbal volleys.  Dr. Rutledge appreciated them both.  I am sure he will use them both at the next urologists meeting.  I wonder, do they meet in a huge restroom?

Then I did the most unpleasant thing.  I asked, “And what if this doesn’t work, or I am not a candidate?”  Ask a dumb question…….   He replied, “You might have to cath yourself from now own.”  Suddenly ole sparky was looking pretty good.

So here i sit in the dark, typing empty words to eyes that may never read.  And i am well and satisfied with being me.

Blessings,

pa the beggar

All,

My last post was made at a physical low point.  A few hours after that post we went to bed and slept for a wonderful 8 hours.  Sunday came and the pain was gone.  Sunday was the best day we have had since surgery.  Sunday was a testimony to the power of prayer.  Thank you for your prayers.

Today is following yesterday’s pattern and the system is working well.  Well, does not mean perfectly, just well.  The pain has eased and we are coping with the new process that is now necessary.  All things considered; we are doing great!

Providing nothing comes up, or out, unforseen; I will give preaching a try this Sunday.  Once again, there is the disclaimer and warning.  i just can’t wait to see you there.

Blessings,

pa the beggar 

All,

Today has been a grand day of disappointments.  I didn’t post after my last doctor’s visit because there wasn’t much in the way of good news.  The only change is that now I am doing my own catheterizations.  For some reason beyond reason, the doctors think this is a good thing.  I have asked each one if they have done it for themselves.  Guess what; NONE have ever had one, let alone done it themselves!  Hypocrites.  Never trust a skinny cook and never trust a urologist that has never had a catheter.  Since I am now an expert (pun intended) I am offering to cath any doctor who dares commend the self-cath form of torture.

Now for the bad news.  The pain and fatigue has been bad enough today that I phoned the doctor in St. Pete.  I held the phone to my gut and asked him to give me a quick scan.  After hearing the rumblings along with my screams and a brief narration of my situation he rendered his diagnosis.  He said, “It sounds like you have a kink or twist in the intestine.”  As long as things remain as they are and the pain doesn’t worsen then I will be fine in time.  If things change (and just trust me, that is as kind as i can put it on the open internet!) then the doc said, “We will have to do something.” 

I don’t have a medial degree, but I have had anatomy and physiology.  What is more important, I have had my digestive system for over 48 years.  I just can’t see any way to remedy a twisted intestine that doesn’t require anesthesia!  Tonight we are in a holding pattern……again.

I am so sorry for the set back.  Please know that our prayers are being answered!  Just because I am as weak as water, have a gopher making laps in my gut, and feel like a train hit me, that is no reason not to see the hand of God!  Folks, this is just what cancer does!  This is the price you pay to be cancer free.  And to be honest, cancer is looking better and better.  Not really. 

This is a beautiful illustration of sin.  None of you ever saw the things that were going on deep in unseen places of my body.  There, without fanfare, cells were going wild with growth.  Dozens of polyps and millions of cells were preparing to wage one last war on my body.  Had it not been for the providential hand of God, those cells would have gone unchecked and i might well have my second round with cancer.  I would not have survived the second round.

Sin kills.  Removing sin required a death.  Christ died for the remission of sin; yours, mine, our children’s, all of mankind.  Redeemed from sin, never means that there is no colateral damage.  Sin leaves scars and some consiquences.  Just like cancer. 

Be encouraged and know that God is alive and well.  When I emerge from this brief valley, I will be a better man than when I entered.  Pray that I not waste my sorrows.

Blessings,

pa the beggar

All,

Again i find myself in need of expressing an apology.  We have had some computer glitches and I have been loosing my posts to cyberspace.  Somewhere out there, bouncing off stars or satelites, are different renderings of the following.

I have made a mistake.  This Sunday we will have a guest speaker in worship.  This was scheduled months ago and I simply let it slip my mind.  Did i mention that they removed my memory while in surgery? 

Please make a special effort to be in worship Sunday.  Fatty (pronounced Faa-tay) spoke to a small group here at Summit last year.  They were favorably impacted by his testimony and sermon.  He will be sharing in both morning services.

Moments ago I read the comments to my previous post.  What can I say?  Thank you for all your support and encouragement during this time.  Really, I am good, weak, but good. 

We went to the doc today, for apparently no reason.  To do the void test we have to go early.  They scheduled me for mid afternoon and that wouldn’t work.  So, we are going back in the morning.  One more day to prepare for the empending exam!  It looks like tomorrow I will begin to “self-cath.”  I can’t help it…..i am fighting with all my will power to resist the urge to post a short comedy here.  Humor works well just before the wailing begins!  One day, in the right setting, I am going to spill the beans and tell the whole story behind all the postings.  It is too funny to be real and too personal to post.  Just wait until the next men’s retreat.

Until Sunday; fight the good fight!  Keep the faith!  Be strong in the Lord!

Blessings,

pa the beggar

All,

Forgive me for my delay in this post.  We had a connection problem that I thought would heal on it’s own.  It did not.  A call to the internet geek and once again we are on line.

Friday was a gift from God.  Friday was the first day in six and a half weeks that I have been pain free and managed to make a full day without a significant physical fatigue issue.  Saturday was not as good as Friday.  Today is not as good as yesterday.  Thus is life on the roller coaster.  Now that i have a good day under my belt, I know that they exist.  So, with a bit of added grace, i will be seeing more of them in the near future.

Last week I was thrilled to work half days except for Wednesday.  It is a joy just to be back in the study, reading, and seeing the team.  I know that I am still behind on phone calls.  I am sorry.  Soon, I will catch up….promise.

It was a special thrill to be with you this morning for worship.  Well, maybe i should say for the baby dedication.  While doing the dedication in the early service, my systems shut down.  When my temperature goes up, my stamina crashes.  Denise had to drive the car around to pick me up.  It is still amazing to experience such dramatic fatigue with no pain and so very little exertion.

This week should be a near full week in the office.  Sunday is coming!  I may have to employ a chair for use on the platform, but if I have breath and strength, I will preach next Sunday.  You have been warned!  Hope to see you there.

Blessings,

pa the beggar